would you get out of the boat...

Today, i was pondering the story of Peter and Jesus. The one where Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk on water. Its a story i have pondered often in my past several years.. however today I encountered it in a new way.
I was sitting on a river bank, with a partly cloudy sky. Slight breeze on my face and such still soothing water. As i looked over the water while sitting in the sand, and my dog was wondering the banks behind me.. i thought.. "you know, it sure has been awhile since i have really heard the voice of God speak to me." Moments later.. its was very clear that God wanted to talk.
"Would you step out of the boat?" God asked me.
I looked at my surroundings again, the water was so still.. it almost seemed it was solid in spots. Hardly any waves. So i voiced my answer to the Creator of the World. "No." Yeah.. i told God no to what seems to be a very simple question.
"Why not?" was his responce...(Of course God wasnt going to take no for a final answer)
"I dont like water."
"Why are wont you trust me with the water?"
"Because i dont like water.. and altho this water seems really nice.. i just dont think i would enjoy being in the water.. Hey, Peter started to sink to if you might have forgot!!"
"What would it take for me to get you out of that boat?" God answered rather quickly.
"Well... convince me why i should get out of this." (im sooo daring when it comes to chatting with God sometimes.. Convince me.. WHO SAYS THAT TO GOD???)
"Freedom.."
"Well i like freedom."
"Peace.."
"I think i like that more than freedom.."
"Love.. I love you Alicia. Can you accept that?"
"Touche..." Yeah.. i also touche God sometimes.
"So i ask you again.. will you step out of the boat?" God asked me again.
"But... um.. in my boat.. there is control. i can control things in the boat.. so um.. maybe.?"
"You dont know it right now, but your boat has a hole in it.. and its sinking slowly. You are holding on to so much that isnt for you to hold to. It is for me to carry. Your boat is going to keep going downstream until you can hardly see me, and then it will sink. and you will have to swim back to me, upstream, and it wont be fun or easy. You will struggle and fight and cry and fear that you will not make it back to me.. when all you have to do is get out of the boat now, and walk just a few steps.. and I will carry you the rest of the way when you need me to." God has a way with words!
"That all sounds good.. and easy.. but i dont know how to set aside the worries of my day. I worry. alot! Heck.. you should know.. You were around when i was created!! but i struggle with that so often, and when i am not worried.. im worried that there is something i should be worried about!! so to step out of this boat..is to tell me to not worry.. and honestly i dont know how to really do that right now! and saying that.. makes me worried that im not going to EVER get this.."
i walked back to my car.. and everytime i looked at the water i heard the same voice that was calling to me before, "Will you step out of the boat?"  and everytime.. i tried to avoid to the question, knowing that now i must answer it.
Will i step out of the boat?

I am a control freak. I want to know what is around the next corner, and what will happen if i answer yes, or no. I have tried to play the role of God in my life and I have failed at doing well at being God (because i am not him..)

Many of you who read this blog.. are those who have wanted to follow in my journey to Asia, and learn how you can be praying for me and celebrating with me. So i need some prayer on this one. I know i can i trust God with many thing.. (like the next year of my life in a country that i have never encountered) But i struggle to allow God to carry my load daily.. with simple things.

Would you pray that i would be able to step out of the boat before it sinks...?

lean not on me...

 ^"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
      do not depend on your own understanding.
 Seek his will in all you do,
      and he will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I have heard, and read these verses many times in the past several years. I seemed to have skim over how powerful God's heart is in these verses. In the past 24 hours I have come to realize how deeply God desires for me to lean not on my own understandings of this world and in the wisdom i "Think" i have.

I dont have a roadmap for this life... so i cannot pick the right path that will lead me in a good direction on my own. I need a leader, i need a Savior. I need one who i can trust to lead me when i am blind and one who will carry me when i cannot walk on my own.

Many times i have had to lean (again) that my heart is not my own, and my life and not my own either. Going to India was planned before my first breath. Which means going to Asia has already been planned out as well.

If i trust with all my heart.. and lean not on me.. I will lead to the perfect path.