Today, i was pondering the story of Peter and Jesus. The one where Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk on water. Its a story i have pondered often in my past several years.. however today I encountered it in a new way.
I was sitting on a river bank, with a partly cloudy sky. Slight breeze on my face and such still soothing water. As i looked over the water while sitting in the sand, and my dog was wondering the banks behind me.. i thought.. "you know, it sure has been awhile since i have really heard the voice of God speak to me." Moments later.. its was very clear that God wanted to talk.
"Would you step out of the boat?" God asked me.
I looked at my surroundings again, the water was so still.. it almost seemed it was solid in spots. Hardly any waves. So i voiced my answer to the Creator of the World. "No." Yeah.. i told God no to what seems to be a very simple question.
"Why not?" was his responce...(Of course God wasnt going to take no for a final answer)
"I dont like water."
"Why are wont you trust me with the water?"
"Because i dont like water.. and altho this water seems really nice.. i just dont think i would enjoy being in the water.. Hey, Peter started to sink to if you might have forgot!!"
"What would it take for me to get you out of that boat?" God answered rather quickly.
"Well... convince me why i should get out of this." (im sooo daring when it comes to chatting with God sometimes.. Convince me.. WHO SAYS THAT TO GOD???)
"Freedom.."
"Well i like freedom."
"Peace.."
"I think i like that more than freedom.."
"Love.. I love you Alicia. Can you accept that?"
"Touche..." Yeah.. i also touche God sometimes.
"So i ask you again.. will you step out of the boat?" God asked me again.
"But... um.. in my boat.. there is control. i can control things in the boat.. so um.. maybe.?"
"You dont know it right now, but your boat has a hole in it.. and its sinking slowly. You are holding on to so much that isnt for you to hold to. It is for me to carry. Your boat is going to keep going downstream until you can hardly see me, and then it will sink. and you will have to swim back to me, upstream, and it wont be fun or easy. You will struggle and fight and cry and fear that you will not make it back to me.. when all you have to do is get out of the boat now, and walk just a few steps.. and I will carry you the rest of the way when you need me to." God has a way with words!
"That all sounds good.. and easy.. but i dont know how to set aside the worries of my day. I worry. alot! Heck.. you should know.. You were around when i was created!! but i struggle with that so often, and when i am not worried.. im worried that there is something i should be worried about!! so to step out of this boat..is to tell me to not worry.. and honestly i dont know how to really do that right now! and saying that.. makes me worried that im not going to EVER get this.."
i walked back to my car.. and everytime i looked at the water i heard the same voice that was calling to me before, "Will you step out of the boat?" and everytime.. i tried to avoid to the question, knowing that now i must answer it.
Will i step out of the boat?
I am a control freak. I want to know what is around the next corner, and what will happen if i answer yes, or no. I have tried to play the role of God in my life and I have failed at doing well at being God (because i am not him..)
Many of you who read this blog.. are those who have wanted to follow in my journey to Asia, and learn how you can be praying for me and celebrating with me. So i need some prayer on this one. I know i can i trust God with many thing.. (like the next year of my life in a country that i have never encountered) But i struggle to allow God to carry my load daily.. with simple things.
Would you pray that i would be able to step out of the boat before it sinks...?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
lean not on me...
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have heard, and read these verses many times in the past several years. I seemed to have skim over how powerful God's heart is in these verses. In the past 24 hours I have come to realize how deeply God desires for me to lean not on my own understandings of this world and in the wisdom i "Think" i have.
I dont have a roadmap for this life... so i cannot pick the right path that will lead me in a good direction on my own. I need a leader, i need a Savior. I need one who i can trust to lead me when i am blind and one who will carry me when i cannot walk on my own.
Many times i have had to lean (again) that my heart is not my own, and my life and not my own either. Going to India was planned before my first breath. Which means going to Asia has already been planned out as well.
If i trust with all my heart.. and lean not on me.. I will lead to the perfect path.
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have heard, and read these verses many times in the past several years. I seemed to have skim over how powerful God's heart is in these verses. In the past 24 hours I have come to realize how deeply God desires for me to lean not on my own understandings of this world and in the wisdom i "Think" i have.
I dont have a roadmap for this life... so i cannot pick the right path that will lead me in a good direction on my own. I need a leader, i need a Savior. I need one who i can trust to lead me when i am blind and one who will carry me when i cannot walk on my own.
Many times i have had to lean (again) that my heart is not my own, and my life and not my own either. Going to India was planned before my first breath. Which means going to Asia has already been planned out as well.
If i trust with all my heart.. and lean not on me.. I will lead to the perfect path.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
News for the Jouney...
Support Letters have been written, stuffed, and sent!! Huge thank you for Casey Priebe for the encouragement he gave me that week of working on them! Also a huge thanks for the many times he got me ice cream and treats that week! :)
Support letters have been arriving back at my door!!! It has begun and it is so exciting!! :) Praise God for the way He has allowed others to respond!!
Fundraisers are in the works!!
April 16th: Pool Tournement @TnT Bar and Grill in Norfolk! starts at 1pm. 2 player teams, $20 per team to enter! (all proceeds to enter will go towards my Asia fund)
April 30th: Shuffle Board Turnement @ The Mint Bar in Norfolk.. Starts at 1pm. 2 player teams, $20 per team to enter! (all proceeds to enter go towards my Asia fund)
Also Tie-Dye T-Shirts have been being made!!! its going well.. and im still working on getting them all done! :) If you would like a shirt its $8 and i just need to know your size. If you live out of town and would like one they are $10 and i will ship them to you as well!! :)
Praise to God for the work he is doing! :) how exciting it is to serve and follow a God and a Savior who changes the world!!
Support letters have been arriving back at my door!!! It has begun and it is so exciting!! :) Praise God for the way He has allowed others to respond!!
Fundraisers are in the works!!
April 16th: Pool Tournement @TnT Bar and Grill in Norfolk! starts at 1pm. 2 player teams, $20 per team to enter! (all proceeds to enter will go towards my Asia fund)
April 30th: Shuffle Board Turnement @ The Mint Bar in Norfolk.. Starts at 1pm. 2 player teams, $20 per team to enter! (all proceeds to enter go towards my Asia fund)
Also Tie-Dye T-Shirts have been being made!!! its going well.. and im still working on getting them all done! :) If you would like a shirt its $8 and i just need to know your size. If you live out of town and would like one they are $10 and i will ship them to you as well!! :)
Praise to God for the work he is doing! :) how exciting it is to serve and follow a God and a Savior who changes the world!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
..i will fight back
"My Savior, my God on High
The One who has brought me life
I surrender all that I am
Into your hands, I'm in your hands
Bless the Lord with all that's within o my soul
I cry out with all that I am make me whole
Here I stand I place all my hope in you
My Healer will see me through"
It has been some time since i have opened my heart and shared it with the Blogging world... so i suppose its time to catch you all up.
The word that comes to mind to discribe where I am at in this moment.. Attack.
Its not a pretty word, and its not a pretty moment if i looked at it with my human eyes, however through the eyes of my Creator.. its a beautiful picture. It is a sign of strength and courage. A moment of life and fighting a battle. A time of power and hunger.
To be attacked, its violent, and its painful.. I cannot honestly say i fully enjoy these moments while i am in them.. but i know the vital and powerful moments as well as joys that come from being attacked. I am such a danger that i must be distroyed! I am shaking the world in such a way that evil cannot stand to just sit back and watch me anymore. Satan, himself wants to take me down.. and im not going to just let me trip me and walk away.
If there is one thing i have learned about myself in the past several years it is this: I am a Fighter.
I do not like when people tell me i cant do something, or be someone. I hate being pushed into a corner, and i will fight back if you corner me. And I despise when i am told that i am not worth someone's time, or that a cause isn't worth fighting for.
I am so thankful and glad to serve a God who is fighting for me as i fight for Him. A Savior who sees past my many failures and frustrations, and extends love towards me. A King who would do anything for me and my heart. And a Lord to encourages me when i feel like i am down and out.. and saves me with words of wisdom and hope,
8 “But as for you, Israel my servant,
Jacob my chosen one,
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
and come to nothing.
12 You will look in vain
for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
will come to nothing.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.
14 Though you are a lowly worm, O Jacob,
don’t be afraid, people of Israel, for I will help you.
I am the Lord, your Redeemer.
I am the Holy One of Israel.’
15 You will be a new threshing instrument
with many sharp teeth.
You will tear your enemies apart,
making chaff of mountains.
16 You will toss them into the air,
and the wind will blow them all away;
a whirlwind will scatter them.
Then you will rejoice in the Lord.
You will glory in the Holy One of Israel."
Isaiah 41:8-16
The One who has brought me life
I surrender all that I am
Into your hands, I'm in your hands
Bless the Lord with all that's within o my soul
I cry out with all that I am make me whole
Here I stand I place all my hope in you
My Healer will see me through"
It has been some time since i have opened my heart and shared it with the Blogging world... so i suppose its time to catch you all up.
The word that comes to mind to discribe where I am at in this moment.. Attack.
Its not a pretty word, and its not a pretty moment if i looked at it with my human eyes, however through the eyes of my Creator.. its a beautiful picture. It is a sign of strength and courage. A moment of life and fighting a battle. A time of power and hunger.
To be attacked, its violent, and its painful.. I cannot honestly say i fully enjoy these moments while i am in them.. but i know the vital and powerful moments as well as joys that come from being attacked. I am such a danger that i must be distroyed! I am shaking the world in such a way that evil cannot stand to just sit back and watch me anymore. Satan, himself wants to take me down.. and im not going to just let me trip me and walk away.
If there is one thing i have learned about myself in the past several years it is this: I am a Fighter.
I do not like when people tell me i cant do something, or be someone. I hate being pushed into a corner, and i will fight back if you corner me. And I despise when i am told that i am not worth someone's time, or that a cause isn't worth fighting for.
I am so thankful and glad to serve a God who is fighting for me as i fight for Him. A Savior who sees past my many failures and frustrations, and extends love towards me. A King who would do anything for me and my heart. And a Lord to encourages me when i feel like i am down and out.. and saves me with words of wisdom and hope,
8 “But as for you, Israel my servant,
Jacob my chosen one,
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
and come to nothing.
12 You will look in vain
for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
will come to nothing.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.
14 Though you are a lowly worm, O Jacob,
don’t be afraid, people of Israel, for I will help you.
I am the Lord, your Redeemer.
I am the Holy One of Israel.’
15 You will be a new threshing instrument
with many sharp teeth.
You will tear your enemies apart,
making chaff of mountains.
16 You will toss them into the air,
and the wind will blow them all away;
a whirlwind will scatter them.
Then you will rejoice in the Lord.
You will glory in the Holy One of Israel."
Isaiah 41:8-16
Monday, March 7, 2011
for Your Kingdom's cause...
"Break my heart of what breaks yours..."
I love that I serve a Savior who is unafraid of my heart. He embraces the mess that i feel covers my life. He comforts my fears. I am walking through life, and the Creator of the Universe.. and He loves me!!
When it feels like many have turned their backs, and shut down their hearts.. I have a Savior, a King, a Worrior.. who loves me!!
God is love!!
I love that I serve a Savior who is unafraid of my heart. He embraces the mess that i feel covers my life. He comforts my fears. I am walking through life, and the Creator of the Universe.. and He loves me!!
When it feels like many have turned their backs, and shut down their hearts.. I have a Savior, a King, a Worrior.. who loves me!!
God is love!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
God who answers prayer...
Verse 1:
God who answers prayer
Sees me in my need
Runs to my despair
Your promise I believe
Pre-Chorus:
That You Are, You Are, You Are God
Chorus:
Bless the Lord with all that's within o my soul
I cry out with all that I am make me whole
Here I stand I place all my hope in you
My Healer will see me through
Verse 2:
God who answers prayer
Faithful you will be
In my darkest hour
Your promise I believe
Bridge:
My Savior, my God on High
The One who has brought me life
I surrender all that I am
Into your hands, I'm in your hands
God who answers prayer
Sees me in my need
Runs to my despair
Your promise I believe
Pre-Chorus:
That You Are, You Are, You Are God
Chorus:
Bless the Lord with all that's within o my soul
I cry out with all that I am make me whole
Here I stand I place all my hope in you
My Healer will see me through
Verse 2:
God who answers prayer
Faithful you will be
In my darkest hour
Your promise I believe
Bridge:
My Savior, my God on High
The One who has brought me life
I surrender all that I am
Into your hands, I'm in your hands
This is a song that the worship band at my chruch just did this Sunday and granted i wasnt there.. but it was shared with me.
I am on new ground, and this ground is rocky and scary.. but hopeful at the same time. There are many tears that cover this ground, and a heart that feels like it is falling apart everytime it beats.
Im not even standing on this gound.. i cant seem to find the strength to stand on it.. Im not ready to be on this ground. I knew it was going to have to be on it at some point, but i dont want right now.. i dont want to have to sit and wait on this ground to change. I know what it will take for this to change.. and im not ready to do that either.
I know you are ready.. and i know Jesus cant wait to see you face to face.. and i dont want you to suffer anymore.. but i love you and its hard to me to just hand you over to Jesus right now. I just want you to be healed.. and stay around..
i guess thats why this song brings me to tears.. its everything i want to tell God but cant seem to find the words to tell him...
Faithful you will be
In my darkest hour
Your promise I believe
Bless the Lord with all that's within o my soul
I cry out with all that I am make me whole
Here I stand I place all my hope in you
My Healer will see me through"
I love you grandpa..
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