I have hidden my thoughts and feelings from many people during this past month to month and a half. I have been struggling to understand why the God of creation, who loves deeply, and has a tender heart towards His children.. would allow them to be so broken it hurts to even try to move.
I, along with my family, have lost some wonderful people in the past few months. People who lived greatly, and loved with all they had. People who loved nature and seeing things grow. People who longed for family time and wanted nothing more then share life with those around them.
My Grandpa left this earth on March 22, 2011. He was one of the greatest men i have ever had the honor of knowing... he gave the best, and i mean BEST hugs you could ever have. He loved his wife and kids. He would do anything for his grandkids and always had a twinkle in his eyes when he held his great grand babies for the first time. He was a farmer who worked for all he owned. He loved to play cards and he loved to win the card games. He told jokes and could always bring a room to smiles.. even on his final days. He fought so hard against the cancer.. but the cancer won. The last memory i have with my grandpa was going to see him a few weeks before he past.. and i told him i was going to Asia and i was going to work to tell people about Jesus. and with a soft voice that had been damaged over the years from many different health treatments, including radiation, he looked me in the eyes and said "I knew you would be amazing when you grew up. I couldnt be proud of you and cant wait to sit with Jesus and watch you do great things." He told me this as he held my hand so tightly and.. after those words he closed his eyes and fell back asleep.
I miss him so much. Almost everytime i think of him.. i cry. I hate knowing he is gone. He was such a great great man, and i dont know a people who could compair to how great Dale Bergman was in my life. He was such a fighter.. but knew he wanted to go to Jesus.
He was burried on a very cold and snowy day in March. I have yet to even go back to gave sight.. i know that seeing his name written on a stone is going to be so difficult to look at. I know i want to go, but i havent gotten the guts to just do it. God, i miss him so freaking much. I know he is not in pain anymore, and for the im so grateful.. but all i want is to hug him again. I just want to hold his hand one more time or have him pitch my side like he always did just to see me jump and laugh. He is the only Grandpa i have ever known.. and he is gone now.. and my heart breaks when i think of him not being here.
Joe and Dian were 2 people who loved to farm. They owned a farm in Wisconsin and knew their trade well. They had 3 wonderful, wonderful children. Dian was always one who was the leader of the pack at family events, if we needed more paper towels, she would tell the first person she bumped into to go and get more! she knew what she wanted/needed and knew just how to get it done. She was a quite person, i knew her my whole life and hardly ever talked to her about life or anything beyond "how are you?" but i know she was a lovely lady who loved her family deeply, and cared much for those in need. Joe was my mom oldest brother. He was identical to my grandpa when you looked at him. He too gave the best bear hugs in this world. He loved picking on people and showing them his love for them through his silly pranks. Many times he would invite people to come spend some time on the farm, and then would tell them all they would get to do all the jobs he didnt want to do, like cleaning up the cow poop, and milking the cows. You always knew when he called when a "yep...yep.. yep" would follow almost every comment you said. He loved, and i mean LOVED life. He did his job and did it well. He always wore a plaid botton up shirt and always kept a little note pad in the front pocket for "important info". He and Dian left such a void in many lives when they were killed on early morning in July 2, 2011. They went to visit life long friends for a conference in Minnesota. They were walks in at a Bed and Breakfast in New Ulm. That night.. a candle on the front porch of the building didnt get blown out.. and it caused a house fire. My Aunt Dian and Uncle Joe, along with their good friend Andy Uhing, and 3 others were killed that night as the building burnt down. I cant even tell you what news like that does to a family.. or a person. I still dont know how to process it. I dont like seeing fires anymore when i used to love camp fires.. now i just kind of stare at them and ask wonder how i could love something so dangerous.
The last time i saw Joe and Dian was at my Grandpa's funeral. I remember i looked at Joe from across the room and thought.. "thank God i can look at him and see Grandpa." and now.. i only have pictures of them both. I remember hugging him and when i had tears he comforted me and told me that we would get through this as a family. And Dian, she was doing the usual.. making sure everything was taken care of. She hardly sat down to chat with others. Before i left i did hug her and tell her i missed her and loved her and was so glad to have gotten to see her again.
They were taken from this world in such a tragic way.. and like i said i dont even have words to express the struggle i have had with it.
In the past few months.. i have almost stopped talking to God because im not sure what i am to say to him about all of this. This past week or so my ears were open to a song i have heard probably hundreds of times but i finally heard the words.
This really convays where my heart is right now. I need an answer and i need (want) a way out of this. I need faith to believe in these hard times...
Please pray for me as i am begining to really allow God into these places or hurt and brokeness. But also pray that i could be open, and vunerable with those closest to me and just let others know some of these areas as i prepare to go to Asia.
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