T-minus 35 days...

It is getting down to the end of one season in my life, and onto another season in just a few short weeks.

Many parts of me long to stay in the USA longer. I dont want to leave certain relationships and things that i have on passions for here in the states. I want to stay comfortable with my surroundings. I do not want to face fears. I would like to stay "normal" in some senses.

Other parts of me just want to get on a plane tomorrow and get the heck out of here. Lets get to something new and unknown. Lets have a "new beginning". Let me do something crazy and learn great things in the process. I want to feel like i am being used for a great purpose and calling. I want to change this world.. and it starts with me leaving everything that i know.

At times i find myself being so torn. There are moments when i feel so used, discouraged, and trampled on and it makes me feel like the best option is to get out of here and move to something different until life settles down back home. And then there are moments when to leave brings tears to my eyes and hurts so much to imagine not sharing in the life of those who have invested in me for years.

God, may this be for you and not for me. I dont want to hang on to my selfish ways, rather just let me bless you with this life you have given me. Take those who are trying to destroy me out of my path and let me just run full speed at you and the plans you have for me. May you protect me from the enemy (mind, body and spirit). Would you be the only one i fix my eyes upon during these last few days. I have felt defeated at times and as if i have lost my way/direction in this journey. I know this has all been preparation for what is to come and would You give me a heart of understanding and to trust, with all my being, that you are in control. You know what i need. You can use me to do anything you want. Allow me to know that you have called me, and you desire me to do your work. You long to see me do great things and grow in my faith in wonderful ways. You see me.. even when no one else sees me. And you love me for where i am right now at this moment.. discouraged or not. You want me!! And with these 35 days left for me to be "comfy" may you be my desire, my heart, my soul, and my all. You alone, Jesus, are my hope and dream. Lets get out of this boat and walk on those waves. Amen.

Picture this Prep Time...

Take a look at this progress and the amazing people who have helped with my journey to Asia!

these are the peole who stepped in to help me build breakfast burritos:

I was challenged to send Ellen an email asking if she would help me raise my funds.. so i did:

Much needed encouragement and details from Alli and Elise:

Said "goodbye" to Micheals Cantina to make time for more fundraising:

Selling "Alicia to Asia" bracelets as a fundraiser:

Garage Sale Fundraiser Total = $874!!! Yea!! we had some fun along the way with this one!

Breakfast Burrito Supplies:



Many coffee dates and engergy drinks have helped keep me going:

..along with a few margaritas:



And ALOT of Mexican food!! along with great times with Casey :)

I have had some crazy adventures:

Had to say some very difficult goodbyes:

And welcomed a few very precious new people into my life:



And thru it all God has allowed me to smile and learn how to be thankful for every step.

It has been a journey, to say the least. A journey that i wouldnt have any other way. God is teaching me so much already.. and im sure i will learn much much more!!!

Note to Self...

Even the best fall down sometimes...

These Hard Times...

I, along with everyone else in this world, have been in a "Hard Time" in life. Many times, i try to hide those times from those closest to me in fear of rejection, or shame. I often feel as if i should be able to shake off a bad day, or a negative attitude, or hurtful comment... but, in reality.. i struggle to let others in to just walk with me in those "hard times".
I have hidden my thoughts and feelings from many people during this past month to month and a half. I have been struggling to understand why the God of creation, who loves deeply, and has a tender heart towards His children.. would allow them to be so broken it hurts to even try to move.
I, along with my family, have lost some wonderful people in the past few months. People who lived greatly, and loved with all they had. People who loved nature and seeing things grow. People who longed for family time and wanted nothing more then share life with those around them.
My Grandpa left this earth on March 22, 2011. He was one of the greatest men i have ever had the honor of knowing... he gave the best, and i mean BEST hugs you could ever have. He loved his wife and kids. He would do anything for his grandkids and always had a twinkle in his eyes when he held his great grand babies for the first time. He was a farmer who worked for all he owned. He loved to play cards and he loved to win the card games. He told jokes and could always bring a room to smiles.. even on his final days. He fought so hard against the cancer.. but the cancer won. The last memory i have with my grandpa was going to see him a few weeks before he past.. and i told him i was going to Asia and i was going to work to tell people about Jesus. and with a soft voice that had been damaged over the years from many different health treatments, including radiation, he looked me in the eyes and said "I knew you would be amazing when you grew up. I couldnt be proud of you and cant wait to sit with Jesus and watch you do great things." He told me this as he held my hand so tightly and.. after those words he closed his eyes and fell back asleep.
I miss him so much. Almost everytime i think of him.. i cry. I hate knowing he is gone. He was such a great great man, and i dont know a people who could compair to how great Dale Bergman was in my life. He was such a fighter.. but knew he wanted to go to Jesus.
He was burried on a very cold and snowy day in March. I have yet to even go back to gave sight.. i know that seeing his name written on a stone is going to be so difficult to look at. I know i want to go, but i havent gotten the guts to just do it. God, i miss him so freaking much. I know he is not in pain anymore, and for the im so grateful.. but all i want is to hug him again. I just want to hold his hand one more time or have him pitch my side like he always did just to see me jump and laugh. He is the only Grandpa i have ever known.. and he is gone now.. and my heart breaks when i think of him not being here.
                             
Joe and Dian were 2 people who loved to farm. They owned a farm in Wisconsin and knew their trade well. They had 3 wonderful, wonderful children. Dian was always one who was the leader of the pack at family events, if we needed more paper towels, she would tell the first person she bumped into to go and get more! she knew what she wanted/needed and knew just how to get it done. She was a quite person, i knew her my whole life and hardly ever talked to her about life or anything beyond "how are you?" but i know she was a lovely lady who loved her family deeply, and cared much for those in need. Joe was my mom oldest brother. He was identical to my grandpa when you looked at him. He too gave the best bear hugs in this world. He loved picking on people and showing them his love for them through his silly pranks. Many times he would invite people to come spend some time on the farm, and then would tell them all they would get to do all the jobs he didnt want to do, like cleaning up the cow poop, and milking the cows. You always knew when he called when a "yep...yep.. yep" would follow almost every comment you said. He loved, and i mean LOVED life. He did his job and did it well. He always wore a plaid botton up shirt and always kept a little note pad in the front pocket for "important info". He and Dian left such a void in many lives when they were killed on early morning in July 2, 2011. They went to visit life long friends for a conference in Minnesota. They were walks in at a Bed and Breakfast in New Ulm. That night.. a candle on the front porch of the building didnt get blown out.. and it caused a house fire. My Aunt Dian and Uncle Joe, along with their good friend Andy Uhing, and 3 others were killed that night as the building burnt down. I cant even tell you what news like that does to a family.. or a person. I still dont know how to process it. I dont like seeing fires anymore when i used to love camp fires.. now i just kind of stare at them and ask wonder how i could love something so dangerous.
The last time i saw Joe and Dian was at my Grandpa's funeral. I remember i looked at Joe from across the room and thought.. "thank God i can look at him and see Grandpa." and now.. i only have pictures of them both. I remember hugging him and when i had tears he comforted me and told me that we would get through this as a family. And Dian, she was doing the usual.. making sure everything was taken care of. She hardly sat down to chat with others. Before i left i did hug her and tell her i missed her and loved her and was so glad to have gotten to see her again.
They were taken from this world in such a tragic way.. and like i said i dont even have words to express the struggle i have had with it.

In the past few months.. i have almost stopped talking to God because im not sure what i am to say to him about all of this. This past week or so my ears were open to a song i have heard probably hundreds of times but i finally heard the words.

This really convays where my heart is right now. I need an answer and i need (want) a way out of this. I need faith to believe in these hard times...

Please pray for me as i am begining to really allow God into these places or hurt and brokeness. But also pray that i could be open, and vunerable with those closest to me and just let others know some of these areas as i prepare to go to Asia.

Once upon a time..

I once allowed my fear, and my weaknesses to control who i walked in this world..
I closed down and turned off any emotions that would cause me to be weak..
I ran from what i felt God was calling me towards..
I once hated change that was unexpected..
I turned away from people before they could hurt me.. even when all they wanted was to love me..
I once tasted Gods mercy, love, and grace.. and i left if behind so i could be in control..

Now, today.. i realize that with my weakness, my fears, my worries, doubts, insecurities, anger, tears.. with my human body that will never be good enough on it's own.. i will press into God with all that i have. I am not here to control my fate.. i have a will, and a path that was placed before me long ago, and a Savior who asked me to walk with him because he loves me deeply. He knows my weaknesses.. and he loves them. He sees my fears, and the tears i shed because of them.. and he loves me. He has watched me run and has allowed me to have space.. because he loves me. He has given me mercy and grace.. because he loves me.

So i stand now, with hardly any words to express the joy, peace, and honor to be able to serve a King who is the lover of my soul. No one else can ever love me like this! May i never love another more than i love my Lord!

would you get out of the boat...

Today, i was pondering the story of Peter and Jesus. The one where Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk on water. Its a story i have pondered often in my past several years.. however today I encountered it in a new way.
I was sitting on a river bank, with a partly cloudy sky. Slight breeze on my face and such still soothing water. As i looked over the water while sitting in the sand, and my dog was wondering the banks behind me.. i thought.. "you know, it sure has been awhile since i have really heard the voice of God speak to me." Moments later.. its was very clear that God wanted to talk.
"Would you step out of the boat?" God asked me.
I looked at my surroundings again, the water was so still.. it almost seemed it was solid in spots. Hardly any waves. So i voiced my answer to the Creator of the World. "No." Yeah.. i told God no to what seems to be a very simple question.
"Why not?" was his responce...(Of course God wasnt going to take no for a final answer)
"I dont like water."
"Why are wont you trust me with the water?"
"Because i dont like water.. and altho this water seems really nice.. i just dont think i would enjoy being in the water.. Hey, Peter started to sink to if you might have forgot!!"
"What would it take for me to get you out of that boat?" God answered rather quickly.
"Well... convince me why i should get out of this." (im sooo daring when it comes to chatting with God sometimes.. Convince me.. WHO SAYS THAT TO GOD???)
"Freedom.."
"Well i like freedom."
"Peace.."
"I think i like that more than freedom.."
"Love.. I love you Alicia. Can you accept that?"
"Touche..." Yeah.. i also touche God sometimes.
"So i ask you again.. will you step out of the boat?" God asked me again.
"But... um.. in my boat.. there is control. i can control things in the boat.. so um.. maybe.?"
"You dont know it right now, but your boat has a hole in it.. and its sinking slowly. You are holding on to so much that isnt for you to hold to. It is for me to carry. Your boat is going to keep going downstream until you can hardly see me, and then it will sink. and you will have to swim back to me, upstream, and it wont be fun or easy. You will struggle and fight and cry and fear that you will not make it back to me.. when all you have to do is get out of the boat now, and walk just a few steps.. and I will carry you the rest of the way when you need me to." God has a way with words!
"That all sounds good.. and easy.. but i dont know how to set aside the worries of my day. I worry. alot! Heck.. you should know.. You were around when i was created!! but i struggle with that so often, and when i am not worried.. im worried that there is something i should be worried about!! so to step out of this boat..is to tell me to not worry.. and honestly i dont know how to really do that right now! and saying that.. makes me worried that im not going to EVER get this.."
i walked back to my car.. and everytime i looked at the water i heard the same voice that was calling to me before, "Will you step out of the boat?"  and everytime.. i tried to avoid to the question, knowing that now i must answer it.
Will i step out of the boat?

I am a control freak. I want to know what is around the next corner, and what will happen if i answer yes, or no. I have tried to play the role of God in my life and I have failed at doing well at being God (because i am not him..)

Many of you who read this blog.. are those who have wanted to follow in my journey to Asia, and learn how you can be praying for me and celebrating with me. So i need some prayer on this one. I know i can i trust God with many thing.. (like the next year of my life in a country that i have never encountered) But i struggle to allow God to carry my load daily.. with simple things.

Would you pray that i would be able to step out of the boat before it sinks...?

lean not on me...

 ^"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
      do not depend on your own understanding.
 Seek his will in all you do,
      and he will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I have heard, and read these verses many times in the past several years. I seemed to have skim over how powerful God's heart is in these verses. In the past 24 hours I have come to realize how deeply God desires for me to lean not on my own understandings of this world and in the wisdom i "Think" i have.

I dont have a roadmap for this life... so i cannot pick the right path that will lead me in a good direction on my own. I need a leader, i need a Savior. I need one who i can trust to lead me when i am blind and one who will carry me when i cannot walk on my own.

Many times i have had to lean (again) that my heart is not my own, and my life and not my own either. Going to India was planned before my first breath. Which means going to Asia has already been planned out as well.

If i trust with all my heart.. and lean not on me.. I will lead to the perfect path.