Saturday, August 4, 2012
What is God speaking to me about…
**Surrendering all I am for all He is.
**In order to live my life fully for him, and give glory fully to him I must first learn how to be completely desperate for him, each and every day.
**He is unchangeable.
**Even when my situations change in life, he will always provide beautiful gifts for me along the way to bring joy and comfort.
**Newness is a beautiful thing! New ways of seeking his face are enjoyable. New friendships are refreshing. New images of who he really is are powerful.
**I have been allowed into the Holy of Holies, and although many will look at me as if I am crazy for my joy and confidence as I walk into the Inner Courts, my High Priest will be waiting for me… and he will always welcome me in with gladness.
Papa has been doing an amazing work in my heart this past week. After a few days of being attacked by the enemy after arriving back in HK, I was reminded of Papa’s unchanging self. That was something big for me this week… was allowing Him to really take control of my life again, and to even start opening up some new areas of my heart to him that I didn’t realized weren’t His yet. He is good, and I love spending time in His courts!
Thank you Jesus for being my High Priest who has passed through earth and heaven and that you are waiting for me to enter into the Holy Place each and every day! Thank you for always speaking truth into my life and allowing me to see you with new eyes! Thank you Jesus for the life you have given me, and the joy of living life with wonderful friends! Thank you Jesus for being my rock, and my strength, you are all I need and you provide amazing gifts for me each day! Like tonight.. I thank you for the beautiful lit moon that is hanging in the sky! Oh Jesus, you are a good Savior and friend! Thank you for seeing me and calling me your friend! I love you so very much and once again ask for more of you and less of me in my life.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Jesus what should we do today...
This is the second half of my time in Asia. I went home for a brief time to
celebrate the wedding of a wonderful friend and to reconnect and refresh myself
before the last leg of my year! I was so excited to get back to Hong Kong and
back to the amazing brothers and sisters I have on this side of the world!
Although I was excited to get back “home” it didn’t hit me until I was in Hong
Kong that I was going to miss my real home for the next 4 months until I arrive
back in the states.
I spent the first day or two in Hong Kong feeling a bit more lonely than normal. I knew I had a great group of friends here, but things just seemed different. I have new housemates, a new room and new schedule. Things had changed from when I left. Papa then reminded me of something I learned while I was home and leading worship for VBS:
“When things change, God is with you!”
Duh!!! Papa really met me with that and for the past few days I have been walking in that truth. Although things seem different, Papa is the same forever and always! He is still the loving, caring, silly Papa that I know and adore. He is still right beside me and still talks to me every day!
As I learn to walk in this truth, I have learned to get out of my comfort zone a bit more. Before while I was in Hong Kong, I didn’t do much on my own… however for the second day in a row I have ventured out and gone into the city (and yes, I have gotten lost while going out)!
Today, being Sunday, I spent part of the morning Skyping home, and had coffee with one of my friends here on the YWAM base. After listening to a podcast from Heidi Baker I decided to go into the city and do some shopping for a few things I needed. In the midst of all this, I realized how clearly I was walking with Jesus today. I wasn’t ALONE I was with JESUS all day!
Jesus rode with me on the bus, right next to me in the empty seat.
Jesus helped me decide not to buy a new water bottle, because I have one already (but I did want a new one!)
Jesus told me to check my attitude with a grumbled at the guy in the stationary story who just stood in my way… yep, Jesus scolded me a bit for that! Oops!
Jesus giggled at me when I realized no there were NO avocados that were ripe and on sale, not at the store OR any street markets!
Jesus then helped me decide what tomatoes to buy, they were my second choice after avocados!
Jesus helped me find the bus stop, which was always Emily’s job, my roommate from the first half of my Asia trip.
Jesus shared all of these things with me on my way back home as we rode the bus back together again!
What a beautiful day it was, me and Jesus! It gets me thinking about how wonderful my life would be if I walked this closely with Jesus all the time, and never left his presence! How a wonderful life that would be!
I spent the first day or two in Hong Kong feeling a bit more lonely than normal. I knew I had a great group of friends here, but things just seemed different. I have new housemates, a new room and new schedule. Things had changed from when I left. Papa then reminded me of something I learned while I was home and leading worship for VBS:
“When things change, God is with you!”
Duh!!! Papa really met me with that and for the past few days I have been walking in that truth. Although things seem different, Papa is the same forever and always! He is still the loving, caring, silly Papa that I know and adore. He is still right beside me and still talks to me every day!
As I learn to walk in this truth, I have learned to get out of my comfort zone a bit more. Before while I was in Hong Kong, I didn’t do much on my own… however for the second day in a row I have ventured out and gone into the city (and yes, I have gotten lost while going out)!
Today, being Sunday, I spent part of the morning Skyping home, and had coffee with one of my friends here on the YWAM base. After listening to a podcast from Heidi Baker I decided to go into the city and do some shopping for a few things I needed. In the midst of all this, I realized how clearly I was walking with Jesus today. I wasn’t ALONE I was with JESUS all day!
Jesus rode with me on the bus, right next to me in the empty seat.
Jesus helped me decide not to buy a new water bottle, because I have one already (but I did want a new one!)
Jesus told me to check my attitude with a grumbled at the guy in the stationary story who just stood in my way… yep, Jesus scolded me a bit for that! Oops!
Jesus giggled at me when I realized no there were NO avocados that were ripe and on sale, not at the store OR any street markets!
Jesus then helped me decide what tomatoes to buy, they were my second choice after avocados!
Jesus helped me find the bus stop, which was always Emily’s job, my roommate from the first half of my Asia trip.
Jesus shared all of these things with me on my way back home as we rode the bus back together again!
What a beautiful day it was, me and Jesus! It gets me thinking about how wonderful my life would be if I walked this closely with Jesus all the time, and never left his presence! How a wonderful life that would be!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
You must understand this...
This was a week in which I struggled with being sick most of the time and found it very hard to stay focused due to the many fevers I would have. Many people would pray for me and ask that God would meet me in this time and often I would think “How is that even possible, I can’t seem to even spell simple words or speak in complete sentences.” However, prayer is powerful and I learned once the fever passed, the body aches subsided, and the effects of the many medications the doctor gave me wore off that God did meet with me this week.
I greatly enjoy the book of Exodus (probably because my mentor loves it so much :)). This week in class our topic was “God’s Global Purpose” aka “MISSIONS WEEK” in which we talked about different missions in the Bible and also historically. We were reading the story about Moses bringing the Israelites out of slavery when I stumbled across a verse that I have read many times before.
“So Moses told the people of Israel what the LORD had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery.” Exodus 6:9 (NLT)
I read this and all the sudden it hit me, I let my situations control when I hear God speak, and when I don’t hear him at all. It is not that God isn’t talking, but rather, I REFUSE to listen. I would often times this God was distant and didn’t want anything to do with me when I struggled or become overwhelmed, however I look at the Israelites and they too REFUSED to listen. God was right there with them during that time and in Exodus its talks about God hearing the groans and cries from his people. God was there with them!
I went to God for forgiveness and with great gratitude when He brought it to my attention. How many times have I done this to God and refused to hear what he was saying? More times than I could count. How many times have I allowed my situation to become bigger than God? More times than I wish to know. How many times have I become discouraged with my situation and allowed that to control my life and heart? I did it this week when I was sick.
Later in the week God opened my eyes to the verses that come right before verse 9:
And God said to Moses, “I am Yahweh—‘the LORD. 3 I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob as El-Shaddai—God Almighty—but I did not reveal my name, Yahweh, to them. 4 And I reaffirmed my covenant with them. Under its terms, I promised to give them the land of Canaan, where they were living as foreigners. 5 You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.
6 “Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the LORD. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. 7 I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. 8 I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the LORD!’” Exodus 6:2-8
I read this and sat back to try to swallow the fact that God NEVER revealed that he was LORD to Abraham, Isaac or Jacob. However here he is telling the Israelites 3 times in a row that he is Lord. He wanted them to know who he was and that he had heard them. He also revealed to Moses that the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob was a promise I fulfilled in their lives, they did make it to Canaan. And as I let all of this sink in for a bit I heard the voice of the Lord saying to me, “I am the Lord, and until you can fully grasp that fact your situation will always be bigger than I am. However I will tell you again, I am the Lord! I have heard you groan just like I listened to the Israelites when they were enslaved and oppressed. I am listening to you. The situations in your life, no matter how small or large, are not greater than I, for I am the Lord. You must understand this for our relationship to strengthen. I am the Lord.”
He is Lord and he can handle my problems, small and large. My situations are important to him and my life and important to him too. Even in my being sick this past week that is important to him. I find it so beautiful when God takes the time to express his heart to us and be intimate with us when we are struggling and even better, when he removes the vales from our eyes when we can’t see. What a beautiful Lord we have. What a loving Papa he is.
I leave you with a Psalm from David (a man after God’s own heart) and a few words that spoke into me last night during a time of worship. I will stop trying to hide my quilt from God, for he is my hiding place and he knows the best pathway for me. Rather than just knowing God sings songs of victory over me but refusing to hear them, I want to hear them loud and clear!
“Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
7 For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
8 The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
Psalm 32:5, 7, 8-9
I greatly enjoy the book of Exodus (probably because my mentor loves it so much :)). This week in class our topic was “God’s Global Purpose” aka “MISSIONS WEEK” in which we talked about different missions in the Bible and also historically. We were reading the story about Moses bringing the Israelites out of slavery when I stumbled across a verse that I have read many times before.
“So Moses told the people of Israel what the LORD had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery.” Exodus 6:9 (NLT)
I read this and all the sudden it hit me, I let my situations control when I hear God speak, and when I don’t hear him at all. It is not that God isn’t talking, but rather, I REFUSE to listen. I would often times this God was distant and didn’t want anything to do with me when I struggled or become overwhelmed, however I look at the Israelites and they too REFUSED to listen. God was right there with them during that time and in Exodus its talks about God hearing the groans and cries from his people. God was there with them!
I went to God for forgiveness and with great gratitude when He brought it to my attention. How many times have I done this to God and refused to hear what he was saying? More times than I could count. How many times have I allowed my situation to become bigger than God? More times than I wish to know. How many times have I become discouraged with my situation and allowed that to control my life and heart? I did it this week when I was sick.
Later in the week God opened my eyes to the verses that come right before verse 9:
And God said to Moses, “I am Yahweh—‘the LORD. 3 I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob as El-Shaddai—God Almighty—but I did not reveal my name, Yahweh, to them. 4 And I reaffirmed my covenant with them. Under its terms, I promised to give them the land of Canaan, where they were living as foreigners. 5 You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.
6 “Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the LORD. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. 7 I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. 8 I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the LORD!’” Exodus 6:2-8
I read this and sat back to try to swallow the fact that God NEVER revealed that he was LORD to Abraham, Isaac or Jacob. However here he is telling the Israelites 3 times in a row that he is Lord. He wanted them to know who he was and that he had heard them. He also revealed to Moses that the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob was a promise I fulfilled in their lives, they did make it to Canaan. And as I let all of this sink in for a bit I heard the voice of the Lord saying to me, “I am the Lord, and until you can fully grasp that fact your situation will always be bigger than I am. However I will tell you again, I am the Lord! I have heard you groan just like I listened to the Israelites when they were enslaved and oppressed. I am listening to you. The situations in your life, no matter how small or large, are not greater than I, for I am the Lord. You must understand this for our relationship to strengthen. I am the Lord.”
He is Lord and he can handle my problems, small and large. My situations are important to him and my life and important to him too. Even in my being sick this past week that is important to him. I find it so beautiful when God takes the time to express his heart to us and be intimate with us when we are struggling and even better, when he removes the vales from our eyes when we can’t see. What a beautiful Lord we have. What a loving Papa he is.
I leave you with a Psalm from David (a man after God’s own heart) and a few words that spoke into me last night during a time of worship. I will stop trying to hide my quilt from God, for he is my hiding place and he knows the best pathway for me. Rather than just knowing God sings songs of victory over me but refusing to hear them, I want to hear them loud and clear!
“Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
7 For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
8 The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
Psalm 32:5, 7, 8-9
Saturday, February 18, 2012
“I do! I do!...”
This week we had a wonderful fellow named Bill Payne (who will be with us next week also). We talked about the Character of God. I find that as I even think about to his teaching my heart starts to pound and my eyes get a bit misty. With that said, let me explain.
Early in the week Bill introduced us to a little thing all humans have, the “Truth Box”. It is the spot in your head that tells you what is truth and what is a lie. The more I learned about my truth box, the more I realized that I had a screwed up truth box! I had believed many lies not only of myself, but of God. And something we learned soon after the truth box was introduced is that when we believe a lie about God we are saying that something is wrong with God’s character OR that God is unable to do what he says. Talk about a hard pill to swallow!
Throughout this week Bill told us things like, “If you were the only person on the earth, God still would have sent Jesus for you” or “God loves the gifts you give him in worship and serving. He loves them because of the WHO is giving them, not what they are!” He even told us the reality that “God DIDN’T change after the fall!” At times these truths were something nice to think about, but I found myself being a bit worried to fully put my trust in them. Until Thursday night…
We had a time of worship for our school, and as we sang the songs I pondered about what we had been learning and was excited for what God was doing in our class. (One thing I have learned, whenever I start thanking God for what he is going in everyone else’s life, he is quick to turn it around on me and I usually end up getting my world rocked by him too.) Out of nowhere I decided to have this conversation with God…
“So… you love me huh?” I asked him (side note, stupid question to ask God because he will always answer this the same way).
“I do! I do! I really REALLY do!” was his response.
And in seconds, I was facedown before God weeping. There is something about hearing God tell you he loves you, and I don’t think I will ever grow tired of it. I can think back to times when God told me he loved me and each of those times, I felt like everything in the world was right and okay.
“You died for me, even though I walked away from you over and over again. You died for me even when I tried to be God and when I have called you a liar. You were murdered protecting me even when I did nothing to protect our relationship. You still suffered the worst death in mankind for my heart, and the selfishness and pride that I have held on to my whole life… you still loved me” as I continued to weep.
“Yeah, I did die for you. If you were the only one left on this earth, I would have still died for you. You are my little girl, and I love you with all I am. I don’t just love you kid, I REALLY love you!” He said that with such a gentle voice and as if he was bowing down from heaven to tell me.
MY PAPA LOVES ME!! HE REALLY LOVES ME!!
I wish I could tell you all the joy that I have had within me since this conversation with the King of Kings. The next day in class we talked about our value, and Bill put it in words that hit home for me, especially after the conversation God and I had the night before. Bill walked us through a story, “I want to go buy a person. I want the top of the line, the most valuable, so I go to the person who is the smartest, drives the best car, have the best job and the highest education. I finally find this person in the store of Humans and I want to buy them, so I flip the over to see the price tag attached to them… and it is far too much! So I put them back and I decide I will go down to the basement and find one of you students. You are not the best looking, you are not the smartest. You don’t drive a nice car, if you have a car at all. You are much less than the most valuable person in the world… so I go to flip over your price tag, and guess what?? Tell me what it said??” He then started at each of us, “It said the same thing as the most “valuable” person in the whole world. It is a price that hardly anyone would pay. What is your price?? EVERY DROP OF JESUS’ BLOOD. EVERY TEAR THAT JESUS WEPT. That is what your price tag says. And that is what the price tag of EVERY human being is, because Jesus died for every human being that has ever, is, or will ever live. Every drop of Jesus’ blood. Every tear Jesus ever wept.”
:)
A few verses that have impacted me this week is what I will leave you with.
“As for the Saints who are in the land (all of us Christians)
they are the glorious ones in whom I delight” ***Psalm 16:3
“…He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.” ***Zephaniah 3:17
Thank you Papa, for showing me the deep love you have for me!
Early in the week Bill introduced us to a little thing all humans have, the “Truth Box”. It is the spot in your head that tells you what is truth and what is a lie. The more I learned about my truth box, the more I realized that I had a screwed up truth box! I had believed many lies not only of myself, but of God. And something we learned soon after the truth box was introduced is that when we believe a lie about God we are saying that something is wrong with God’s character OR that God is unable to do what he says. Talk about a hard pill to swallow!
Throughout this week Bill told us things like, “If you were the only person on the earth, God still would have sent Jesus for you” or “God loves the gifts you give him in worship and serving. He loves them because of the WHO is giving them, not what they are!” He even told us the reality that “God DIDN’T change after the fall!” At times these truths were something nice to think about, but I found myself being a bit worried to fully put my trust in them. Until Thursday night…
We had a time of worship for our school, and as we sang the songs I pondered about what we had been learning and was excited for what God was doing in our class. (One thing I have learned, whenever I start thanking God for what he is going in everyone else’s life, he is quick to turn it around on me and I usually end up getting my world rocked by him too.) Out of nowhere I decided to have this conversation with God…
“So… you love me huh?” I asked him (side note, stupid question to ask God because he will always answer this the same way).
“I do! I do! I really REALLY do!” was his response.
And in seconds, I was facedown before God weeping. There is something about hearing God tell you he loves you, and I don’t think I will ever grow tired of it. I can think back to times when God told me he loved me and each of those times, I felt like everything in the world was right and okay.
“You died for me, even though I walked away from you over and over again. You died for me even when I tried to be God and when I have called you a liar. You were murdered protecting me even when I did nothing to protect our relationship. You still suffered the worst death in mankind for my heart, and the selfishness and pride that I have held on to my whole life… you still loved me” as I continued to weep.
“Yeah, I did die for you. If you were the only one left on this earth, I would have still died for you. You are my little girl, and I love you with all I am. I don’t just love you kid, I REALLY love you!” He said that with such a gentle voice and as if he was bowing down from heaven to tell me.
MY PAPA LOVES ME!! HE REALLY LOVES ME!!
I wish I could tell you all the joy that I have had within me since this conversation with the King of Kings. The next day in class we talked about our value, and Bill put it in words that hit home for me, especially after the conversation God and I had the night before. Bill walked us through a story, “I want to go buy a person. I want the top of the line, the most valuable, so I go to the person who is the smartest, drives the best car, have the best job and the highest education. I finally find this person in the store of Humans and I want to buy them, so I flip the over to see the price tag attached to them… and it is far too much! So I put them back and I decide I will go down to the basement and find one of you students. You are not the best looking, you are not the smartest. You don’t drive a nice car, if you have a car at all. You are much less than the most valuable person in the world… so I go to flip over your price tag, and guess what?? Tell me what it said??” He then started at each of us, “It said the same thing as the most “valuable” person in the whole world. It is a price that hardly anyone would pay. What is your price?? EVERY DROP OF JESUS’ BLOOD. EVERY TEAR THAT JESUS WEPT. That is what your price tag says. And that is what the price tag of EVERY human being is, because Jesus died for every human being that has ever, is, or will ever live. Every drop of Jesus’ blood. Every tear Jesus ever wept.”
:)
A few verses that have impacted me this week is what I will leave you with.
“As for the Saints who are in the land (all of us Christians)
they are the glorious ones in whom I delight” ***Psalm 16:3
“…He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.” ***Zephaniah 3:17
Thank you Papa, for showing me the deep love you have for me!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Compassion DTS Love Feast...
There were 2 schools taking place since I have been here; my school is the China Focused DTS and then there is the Compassion DTS. The Compassion team has been back on the base for a few weeks now and we got a chance to spend some time celebrating their graduation from school with a thing called “Love Feast”. It is a time for them to share what the Lord had done during their outreach and share personal testimonies. They did a wonderful job sharing their hearts, and I must be honest, I got teary eyed more than once in the course of the evening. Many of them have left to go home and it has been a sad goodbye, but we trust the Lord will keep doing great things through them, and a few of them will be coming back to the base in a few months to start staffing! J
Here are a few pictures of the evening where we all got to get dressed up and share a beautiful meal, fellowship and time of worship together:
Roomies!
A few of us, some staff, some Compassion DTS, and a lot of China Focused DTS!
This is Jessi! She is the leader of my school and is also my One or One person (I am being discipled by here). She is so wonderful and beautiful! (side note, it is hard to see but I was wearing the Toms from my Community back home to celebrate this wonderful evening!)
The room that we celebrated in! (Jericho) (side note: the guys head who is on the left bottom corner, Dean Sherman.. who spilled a glass of punch on me that night! It was a total accident but still it was a great memory!)
Chris and Marlyse! These 2 wonderful people will be tying the knot in Dec and I can’t wait to be there to celebrate with them! Marlyse is one of my roommates (as all of us girls live together) and she is such a joy and delight! Chris is just silly and wonderful! I enjoy taking pictures of them and asking them to make the faces they would make as if were their wedding day, this is what I got!
FOOD!!! So good! As you can tell it is mostly Asian food, but hey, when in Hong Kong….
Dean Sherman shared before we partook in a time of worship!
Some of the staff on base! (this was not a posed picture!)
Congrats Compassion DTS for shaking up the nations for the Cross! You guys are all wonderful!
Satan Came from Nebraska, so says Dean Sherman…
Dean Sherman spent a week with us, and what a joy he is! He is a great mix of humor and driving home a point about how valuable we all are for the Kingdom. Between telling us that Satan came from Nebraska (there are 3 people from Nebraska involved with my school: 2 students and 1 staff) or telling us to get the image of him in his Speedo out of our heads for quite times. He is a blessing to have and to learn from! He spent a few days talking about Spiritual Warfare and the other days talking about Relationships.
Something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks, a statement that seems so simple yet I have never realized it was a wrong thinking. He told us, “All Christians are not sinners saved by grace, they are Saints!” That means God seems me as a Saint!! What a joy that is, and once my thinking changed from being a SINNER saved... to being a SAINT, I can’t even tell you all the way I have viewed my life and my actions differently. I have finally realized that God doesn’t look down from Heaven and see me still covered in mud and dirt, I am not covered in darkness anymore, but I am a Saint.
The week that Dean was here I laid down a lot of the hurts and the lies that I have allowed myself to believe of my life. Many things that have been spoken over me not only as a child, but the things that my friends have called me, or authority figures who I trusted, other Christians who told me it was how God felt about my life. I have had a lot of hurts in my life and a lot of times where I wondered why in the world God would ever see me as clean. By the blood of the Lamb, I am clean and free from my bondage that I once allowed to tie me down! J
Something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks, a statement that seems so simple yet I have never realized it was a wrong thinking. He told us, “All Christians are not sinners saved by grace, they are Saints!” That means God seems me as a Saint!! What a joy that is, and once my thinking changed from being a SINNER saved... to being a SAINT, I can’t even tell you all the way I have viewed my life and my actions differently. I have finally realized that God doesn’t look down from Heaven and see me still covered in mud and dirt, I am not covered in darkness anymore, but I am a Saint.
The week that Dean was here I laid down a lot of the hurts and the lies that I have allowed myself to believe of my life. Many things that have been spoken over me not only as a child, but the things that my friends have called me, or authority figures who I trusted, other Christians who told me it was how God felt about my life. I have had a lot of hurts in my life and a lot of times where I wondered why in the world God would ever see me as clean. By the blood of the Lamb, I am clean and free from my bondage that I once allowed to tie me down! J
Friday, January 20, 2012
13 people together for 1 reason...
This is my family for the next 5 months (minus the staff memebers). We are 13 crazy people from 5 different countries (America, India, South Africa, New Zealand and Australia). We love to laugh together and we have enjoyed learning about each others countries and lives. Thank you Papa for this amazing, hand picked group of people that i get to walk through a life changing experiance with! I cant wait to get to know them all more and share in a great journey with them! :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Perfect Love Casts out Fear...
“..What could I say? What could I do but offer this heart, oh God, completely to you…
I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll stand, my soul, Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours.”
The past few weeks I have been shown by Jesus how largely I walk with a fear of man. It is actually difficult to write about because I do not think I fully understand it yet.
I have been reminded of many verses about how silly it is to fear man, such as this one from Isaiah 51:12-16:
“I, even I, am the one who comforts you. So, who are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the Lord, your Creator, the one who put the stars in the sky and established the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppression? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies from morning till night? Soon all you captives will be released! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will not be your fate! For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the Lord Almighty. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely within my hand. I set all the stars in space and established the earth. I am the one who says to Israel, ‘You are mine!’”
Or in Job, when God places a challenge before Job asking him who established the world and gave it foundations? Who made the wild animals wild and gave the horse its mane? God wasn’t afraid to sit Job down and make sure he knew that he didn’t need to be in control.
It seems silly that God would need to give me such drastic stories to allow me to grasp the understanding that I have a fear of man. I also have experienced different situations the past few weeks that have allowed me to see more vividly my fears. God allowed me to break a fast in the beginning of the month, but I tried to tell him “no” because I didn’t want people to see me eating and be disappointed in me. I have also been able to see the ‘people pleaser’ in me and how often it will come out, even if it comes at a price of me feeling less than others.
God is in control! Why is that so hard for us to understand? I have been a Christian for 10 years this June, and I still have a hard time understanding that He isn’t going to mess up. He doesn’t make mistakes. His love is the only thing that is perfect in the world. Yet I still fight with thinking I know better at times, and I still get fearful of what others might think or say about me.
I have followed God to the other side of the world and the times people told me I was being selfish or doubted that this was really what God had for me this year, I didn’t listen to them. I trusted with all my heart that my Papa has asked me to come here for a reason. Praise His name, because my faith has been stretched in amazing ways; and I have seem real life miracles happen on the streets. I have been living out modern day Bible stories!
It is my hope and my prayer that God will keep breaking me of the fear of man. My faith is not for anyone else but me and my Papa. When he asks me to do something I want to do it because he asked me to, not because of what others might say. I pray that during my next phase of this year (DTS) that starts this week that I will be able to give my all to my Creator. So he makes all things good and I will sing praises to him for what he does in my life!
I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll stand, my soul, Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours.”
The past few weeks I have been shown by Jesus how largely I walk with a fear of man. It is actually difficult to write about because I do not think I fully understand it yet.
I have been reminded of many verses about how silly it is to fear man, such as this one from Isaiah 51:12-16:
“I, even I, am the one who comforts you. So, who are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the Lord, your Creator, the one who put the stars in the sky and established the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppression? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies from morning till night? Soon all you captives will be released! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will not be your fate! For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the Lord Almighty. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely within my hand. I set all the stars in space and established the earth. I am the one who says to Israel, ‘You are mine!’”
Or in Job, when God places a challenge before Job asking him who established the world and gave it foundations? Who made the wild animals wild and gave the horse its mane? God wasn’t afraid to sit Job down and make sure he knew that he didn’t need to be in control.
It seems silly that God would need to give me such drastic stories to allow me to grasp the understanding that I have a fear of man. I also have experienced different situations the past few weeks that have allowed me to see more vividly my fears. God allowed me to break a fast in the beginning of the month, but I tried to tell him “no” because I didn’t want people to see me eating and be disappointed in me. I have also been able to see the ‘people pleaser’ in me and how often it will come out, even if it comes at a price of me feeling less than others.
God is in control! Why is that so hard for us to understand? I have been a Christian for 10 years this June, and I still have a hard time understanding that He isn’t going to mess up. He doesn’t make mistakes. His love is the only thing that is perfect in the world. Yet I still fight with thinking I know better at times, and I still get fearful of what others might think or say about me.
I have followed God to the other side of the world and the times people told me I was being selfish or doubted that this was really what God had for me this year, I didn’t listen to them. I trusted with all my heart that my Papa has asked me to come here for a reason. Praise His name, because my faith has been stretched in amazing ways; and I have seem real life miracles happen on the streets. I have been living out modern day Bible stories!
It is my hope and my prayer that God will keep breaking me of the fear of man. My faith is not for anyone else but me and my Papa. When he asks me to do something I want to do it because he asked me to, not because of what others might say. I pray that during my next phase of this year (DTS) that starts this week that I will be able to give my all to my Creator. So he makes all things good and I will sing praises to him for what he does in my life!
My God is not Dead, He's Surely Alive...
I got the opportunity earlier this week to go to Wan Chi, which is where one of 2 local red light districts is located. The one we went to is filled with clubs. A small group of us went to pray and worship on the streets to break the ground a bit before we go back later in the week. After a time of worship and crying out to God for this streets we were sitting upon I felt God saying, “Ask me and you shall receive.” So I did what he asked me to, I started praying for Heaven to collide with earth in amazing ways that we can’t do with our own power. I also prayed for people to say yes to Jesus and to see that he is beautiful and wonderful and everlasting. I cried out for those people with everything that in within me and declared the truth of the gospel over the people in the district. I don’t know if I have ever sat on a street and had my heart broken so deeply for people I didn’t even know. I asked Jesus to break my heart for what was breaking his, and just looking down the busy street… my heart was shattered. I actually am sitting in my house in tears as I write about it, it was a heavy spirit and darkness covering the many streets in the district.
A few people felt God was asking us to go out and pray over the streets and maybe have a divine appointment if God set one before us. I started walking with 2 girls. We stood at one corner and just asked God to give us a few words of wisdom before we set out. I and Arianna got the color red, and to keep our eyes peeled for something or someone in red. We started walking and praying over the streets and all I felt like I could pray for was for the blood of Jesus to cover those streets and deliver the people. It is difficult walking down several large city blocks covered with back to back clubs. It is even harder when you see the faces of the girls who are forced into making that their life. A few times I had to pray to have the eyes and heart of Jesus, and to not look at them with shame. My heart was breaking for them, but at times I didn’t know how to look at them with an out pouring of love.
We had only a few minutes left before we had to meet back with our group when we came across a beautiful woman, Edith. She was sitting outside of Crazy Horse, one of the clubs, wearing a RED coat. We found out she had been working there for many years. She didn’t say it, but we knew that she was a “Madam” for the club, which is basically another name for an owner for the girls working there (aka pimp). She was soft spoken and seemed to just want to talk to someone. We asked her how business was going; she told us it was slow (PRAISE JESUS!). Then one of the girls I was with, Madeline, got a word of wisdom to ask her if she was having back pain. She told us she had back pain for several years, she assumed it was due to old age, and affirmed to us that she was in pain at that moment. She also told us that it was very difficult for her to stand up due to the pain that she was experiencing. We asked if we could pray for her because we believed our God could heal her, she agreed after asking how long it would take. I felt God telling me to place my hand on her shoulder and pray. All I knew to pray was “In Jesus name, heal this woman. Heal this woman. Heal this woman.” I repeated it over and over again. I declared it over here. After a few times of saying this out loud, I felt my hand heat up on her shoulder. We ended the prayer and asked her how she was feeling… no more pain! She was healed! Heaven and earth collided, just like I had asked!! SHE WAS HEALED!!! The holiness of out creator came down and through me and 2 other girls this woman is pain free!! PRAISE JESUS! She got right out of her chair and stretched and moved her back in all sorts of ways and with a smile told us she had no pain. She asked us how long until the pain came back and got to tell her that she would no longer ever feel that pain. Arianna then got to share the whole gospel with Edith. It was beautiful!
Never in my life have I seen a healing happen in front of me, let alone have I been the one God asked to heal someone! Oh Praise Jesus for his faithfulness!
A few people felt God was asking us to go out and pray over the streets and maybe have a divine appointment if God set one before us. I started walking with 2 girls. We stood at one corner and just asked God to give us a few words of wisdom before we set out. I and Arianna got the color red, and to keep our eyes peeled for something or someone in red. We started walking and praying over the streets and all I felt like I could pray for was for the blood of Jesus to cover those streets and deliver the people. It is difficult walking down several large city blocks covered with back to back clubs. It is even harder when you see the faces of the girls who are forced into making that their life. A few times I had to pray to have the eyes and heart of Jesus, and to not look at them with shame. My heart was breaking for them, but at times I didn’t know how to look at them with an out pouring of love.
We had only a few minutes left before we had to meet back with our group when we came across a beautiful woman, Edith. She was sitting outside of Crazy Horse, one of the clubs, wearing a RED coat. We found out she had been working there for many years. She didn’t say it, but we knew that she was a “Madam” for the club, which is basically another name for an owner for the girls working there (aka pimp). She was soft spoken and seemed to just want to talk to someone. We asked her how business was going; she told us it was slow (PRAISE JESUS!). Then one of the girls I was with, Madeline, got a word of wisdom to ask her if she was having back pain. She told us she had back pain for several years, she assumed it was due to old age, and affirmed to us that she was in pain at that moment. She also told us that it was very difficult for her to stand up due to the pain that she was experiencing. We asked if we could pray for her because we believed our God could heal her, she agreed after asking how long it would take. I felt God telling me to place my hand on her shoulder and pray. All I knew to pray was “In Jesus name, heal this woman. Heal this woman. Heal this woman.” I repeated it over and over again. I declared it over here. After a few times of saying this out loud, I felt my hand heat up on her shoulder. We ended the prayer and asked her how she was feeling… no more pain! She was healed! Heaven and earth collided, just like I had asked!! SHE WAS HEALED!!! The holiness of out creator came down and through me and 2 other girls this woman is pain free!! PRAISE JESUS! She got right out of her chair and stretched and moved her back in all sorts of ways and with a smile told us she had no pain. She asked us how long until the pain came back and got to tell her that she would no longer ever feel that pain. Arianna then got to share the whole gospel with Edith. It was beautiful!
Never in my life have I seen a healing happen in front of me, let alone have I been the one God asked to heal someone! Oh Praise Jesus for his faithfulness!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New Heart for Worship…
I have been in Hong Kong for about a month now and my Papa is stirring up some great things within me. He has allowed me to see him in a new light and has brought old passions back to the surface. He has allowed me to press hard into him and see chains broken over my life/past. He has put his wonderful arms around me and comforted me while battles raged against me. He spoken to me almost daily and has set my soul on fire while giving me a new love for the Kingdom. He is good and sweet and beautiful!
One of our daily routines is to have worship for an hour each morning followed by a time of intersession. I have found these times to be the best 2 hours of my day! I get so filled up with the Spirit and covered in the love my Papa pours out upon me daily. There have also been days where I have had some hard conversations and hash out heart issues, and discuss my brokenness at times. Some days result in me not being able to stand still from excitement and other days I am humbled and find myself literally facedown asking/pleading with Papa to deliver me. In the past month I have had one reoccurring thought… What does it mean to worship?
I feel worship is different with each person. My Papa has had to walk with me a bit on this one to help me figure out what it looks like for me to worship him and bless him with all that is within me.
A few weeks ago, while singing in worship, I felt a distance and couldn’t seem to break through the darkness. I then got a picture that I believe was given to me from my Creator. It was a picture of me walking into a church and kneeling before the altar, closing my eyes, lifting my hands up high and singing with all my might. I felt Papa telling me, “Worship me like this. I gave you a voice that is wonderful to my ears, so honor me with it. I delight in the words you sing and the time you worship. Be humble. Be still and know that I hear you. Just sing what is on your heart child.”
I have also had a great desire within me to learn how to play the guitar while I am here. Today I kept getting images of me going back home and walking into my home church and just sitting on the altar while worshiping the lover of my soul! I have been praying hard about what these things me, and I feel that Papa is asking me to go home after this year is over and worship, without a fear of man. To walk into the doors and into a room full of people I know and allow Him to lead to worship as He desires of me. If that means getting raising my arms, kneeling down, or just being humbled enough to be facedown at the feet of Jesus and blessing him for what he has done for me… then I will do it!
This afternoon I came home, did some dishes, washed some clothes and sat down to journal and read. I kept coming back to the feeling of going home and worshiping. I then began to listen to some worship songs and soon found myself dancing around my house, singing at the top of my lungs with my arms stretched as high as they could go. At one point I had to put a pause on making my dinner because I was so overcome with joy and a desire to just close my eyes and jump around (I didn’t feel it was safe to do so while I held a very sharp knife in my hands). Long story short, I have a whole new heart for worship! I have noticed that I often get very distracted with what others think of me during worship. I have also become aware of how Papa has asked to worship him. I have discovered a new love for worship, which is crazy to imagine, since worship is my pathway to my Papa. It is wonderful just being overtaken with joy and a longing to express my love for my Lover.
A few songs that I have really gotten me excited lately are Phil Wickham’s song – You’re Beautiful. And also the David Crowder Band – Like a Lion. Both have amazing lyrics. I will leave you with a few of my favorite lines to sing loudly in my house. I truly believe and desire to speak/sing these words into life. Papa, would you allow Heaven to enter earth so these things would become our reality!
“Let love explode and bring the dead to life.
A love so bold, to bring a revolution somehow…
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide…
Now I’m lost in your freedom,
oh this world, I’ll overcome!
Let heaven roar
And fire fall
Come shake the ground
With the sound of REVIVAL!!
My God is not dead, he’s surely alive,
He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion”
Like a Lion – David Crowder Band
“When we arrive at eternity’s shore,
when death is just a memory and tears are no more.
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring,
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing,
You’re Beautiful!”
You’re Beautiful – Phil Wickham
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year...
I pray that this next year God takes me to new places. That i wouldnt be fearful of what He is doing in my life or in the lives around me. I pray i would hold tightly to the robe of Jesus and that i would feel his comfort when i am weary. I pray that this next year i will stand on new and holy ground with the lover of my soul! I pray for the will of God to be done in my life this next year. That i would not be shaken.
Set a fire down in my soul that i cant contain, that i cant control...
I want more of you God!
Set a fire down in my soul that i cant contain, that i cant control...
I want more of you God!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Fun Game to Play...
I have only played this once.. but it is a blast! What you do is watch the people walking by, and count how many of them are wearing Chucks for shoes... be prepared to count fast! Ready... Set... GO! Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I am the new Mia Hamm...
I have finally played a few games of soccer, and God blessed me with playing in Hong Kong!! What a wonderfully fun time. The first game I ever played took place on top of a mountain, after we took a speed boat across part of the China Sea! It was beautiful. We did an outreach at a drug rehab center. I just wanted to share a few pictures and moments of my first game. Enjoy!!
This is a picture from the speed boat while we were crossing the China Sea.
Picking teams on the mountain.
Playing my very first game of soccer!
Our Outreach Team along with the boys at the drug rehab center.
The veiw from the rehab center. that is the China Sea and also the mountains of Hong Kong! Beautiful!
My Toms in the China Sea :)
My second game of soccer took place after a long (but blessed) day of outreaches. A few of us from our team went to a local soccer field in the village that the base is on. I (much to my surprise) was the first picked to be on a team!! That never happened when I was a kid, so I enjoyed someone wanting me on their team. It was during that game that I began to grasp the concept of how to play the game. Not once did I touch the ball with my hands. I also stunned the crowd (aka my teammates) with scoring my first ever goal!! I wish the moment was recorded for all to see, but if I could imagine my celebration, I would look like Mia Hamm! It was beautiful! My team leader, Tomasi, had to stop my celebration so we could continue the game. J proud moment in my life! and tonight at our game i made 3 goals!! i am kicking butt on the soccer field!
This is a picture from the speed boat while we were crossing the China Sea.
My second game of soccer took place after a long (but blessed) day of outreaches. A few of us from our team went to a local soccer field in the village that the base is on. I (much to my surprise) was the first picked to be on a team!! That never happened when I was a kid, so I enjoyed someone wanting me on their team. It was during that game that I began to grasp the concept of how to play the game. Not once did I touch the ball with my hands. I also stunned the crowd (aka my teammates) with scoring my first ever goal!! I wish the moment was recorded for all to see, but if I could imagine my celebration, I would look like Mia Hamm! It was beautiful! My team leader, Tomasi, had to stop my celebration so we could continue the game. J proud moment in my life! and tonight at our game i made 3 goals!! i am kicking butt on the soccer field!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
You're Love Never Runs Out On Me...
Hello from beautiful Hong Kong!! I have arrived safe and sound and have hit the ground running. Such wonderful things have happened even in the few short days I have been here.
I was welcomed to the YWAM base by wonderful friends (those that I have known before arriving and others that I couldn’t wait to meet!) The first few nights were difficult due to jetlag, and even last night.. I slept for almost 12 hours (missing my first soccer game because of it.. which is a huge bummer.)
The food here is AMAZING!! The Chinese food we eat in America is nothing compared to how great Dim Sum is! Also at the base, they feed us very well! I have been eating 3 wonderful meals a day and even now I am snacking on some banana chips and craving the apples I have been storing up. I have tried many new things, some are wonderful. Others I have chosen not to eat again!
The people on the base are so wonderful! They are inviting and fun. I so look forward to getting to know them more throughout this next year.
I was welcomed to the YWAM base by wonderful friends (those that I have known before arriving and others that I couldn’t wait to meet!) The first few nights were difficult due to jetlag, and even last night.. I slept for almost 12 hours (missing my first soccer game because of it.. which is a huge bummer.)
The food here is AMAZING!! The Chinese food we eat in America is nothing compared to how great Dim Sum is! Also at the base, they feed us very well! I have been eating 3 wonderful meals a day and even now I am snacking on some banana chips and craving the apples I have been storing up. I have tried many new things, some are wonderful. Others I have chosen not to eat again!
The people on the base are so wonderful! They are inviting and fun. I so look forward to getting to know them more throughout this next year.
How am I doing? What has been stirring on my heart the past few days you ask?
The song lyrics that say “Our God is not dead, He’s surly alive. He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion.” It has such truth to it! OUR GOD IS ALIVE!! He speaks. He loves. He is moving among us! I also believed that to be true, however the past few days God has opened my eyes to how real he is and how much he longs to be in conversation with each of us. Each day we have a time of worship and intersession in the mornings. (Those of you who know me, I LOVE worship, however intersession was one of the lowest on my list of spiritual gifts.) I always found it challenging to talk to someone who wasn’t there, or to wait for an answer when it didn’t come fast enough. While I have been in worship it feels as if the voice of God couldn’t be kept silenced. It’s an amazing moment to be filled with such love. The first day God was asking me things like, “Will you allow me to just be your Father? Will you allow me to just love you with all I have to give you? Will you let me be the God you dream of, rather than a God who has limits?” That day I left worship realizing I have put many limits on God and who he really is. I have compared my earthly father to the Creator of the world. I have compared the love of my earthly family to the indescribable love of my Savior.
The second day during worship we sang a song with the lyrics, “You’re love never fails. It never gives up. It never runs out on me.” It was in that moment that God came to me, as if he was sitting right next to me and said. “They (my family) have failed you. They have hurt you deeply at time. They have even given up on you. I won’t do that to you. I love you more then you will ever know. I delight in you. I smile when I see you and I sing songs over you. I am your creator. I am your friend. I will never forget you. You are mine. My love will never run out on you.” WOW! I can’t even tell you the emotion that I had hearing that. I so often seek to do good for God and all he was asking of me was to just allow him to love me. And that His love would NEVER run out. I was prayed over that day, and one thing that was spoken over me was, “This love is constant. It won’t go away after a little bit, God wants you to know that you will be loved for eternity.” I don’t know to even tell this without a smile on my face! My God sees me and loves me deeply! J
Today I was really struggling to come to the Lord. It felt that I was being held back by some force that I couldn’t recognize. After much prayer during worship God’s voice was finally heard, “You deserve to be here. You are here. I called you and I want you here for this moment. You deserve this. You can do this. You WILL do this.” God is moving! He is great and mighty.
I think these moments have been my highlight so far. I can hear God’s voice. We have a lecture about hearing God’s voice one of the first few days. It is truth! It is beautiful! Even during our times of intersession God is speaking.
What a beautiful and mighty Father we serve! Thank you Lord!
The second day during worship we sang a song with the lyrics, “You’re love never fails. It never gives up. It never runs out on me.” It was in that moment that God came to me, as if he was sitting right next to me and said. “They (my family) have failed you. They have hurt you deeply at time. They have even given up on you. I won’t do that to you. I love you more then you will ever know. I delight in you. I smile when I see you and I sing songs over you. I am your creator. I am your friend. I will never forget you. You are mine. My love will never run out on you.” WOW! I can’t even tell you the emotion that I had hearing that. I so often seek to do good for God and all he was asking of me was to just allow him to love me. And that His love would NEVER run out. I was prayed over that day, and one thing that was spoken over me was, “This love is constant. It won’t go away after a little bit, God wants you to know that you will be loved for eternity.” I don’t know to even tell this without a smile on my face! My God sees me and loves me deeply! J
Today I was really struggling to come to the Lord. It felt that I was being held back by some force that I couldn’t recognize. After much prayer during worship God’s voice was finally heard, “You deserve to be here. You are here. I called you and I want you here for this moment. You deserve this. You can do this. You WILL do this.” God is moving! He is great and mighty.
I think these moments have been my highlight so far. I can hear God’s voice. We have a lecture about hearing God’s voice one of the first few days. It is truth! It is beautiful! Even during our times of intersession God is speaking.
What a beautiful and mighty Father we serve! Thank you Lord!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
12 days and counting...
My oh my.. how time does fly by!!
I wish i could just put into a short little blog how i feel about leaving in just a few days.. but i am speechess!!
**I have a Beautiful Savior who accepts me for who i am and where i am at, each and every moment.
**I have a wonderful Church Family who has supported me and believed in me and my calling.. even when i struggled to believe in myself.
**I have a Community of people who have chosen to fight with me in the journey of sharing the Good News of the Lord.
Thank you Lord for the way you cover me in love!
I wish i could just put into a short little blog how i feel about leaving in just a few days.. but i am speechess!!
**I have a Beautiful Savior who accepts me for who i am and where i am at, each and every moment.
**I have a wonderful Church Family who has supported me and believed in me and my calling.. even when i struggled to believe in myself.
**I have a Community of people who have chosen to fight with me in the journey of sharing the Good News of the Lord.
Thank you Lord for the way you cover me in love!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
T-minus 35 days...
It is getting down to the end of one season in my life, and onto another season in just a few short weeks.
Many parts of me long to stay in the USA longer. I dont want to leave certain relationships and things that i have on passions for here in the states. I want to stay comfortable with my surroundings. I do not want to face fears. I would like to stay "normal" in some senses.
Other parts of me just want to get on a plane tomorrow and get the heck out of here. Lets get to something new and unknown. Lets have a "new beginning". Let me do something crazy and learn great things in the process. I want to feel like i am being used for a great purpose and calling. I want to change this world.. and it starts with me leaving everything that i know.
At times i find myself being so torn. There are moments when i feel so used, discouraged, and trampled on and it makes me feel like the best option is to get out of here and move to something different until life settles down back home. And then there are moments when to leave brings tears to my eyes and hurts so much to imagine not sharing in the life of those who have invested in me for years.
God, may this be for you and not for me. I dont want to hang on to my selfish ways, rather just let me bless you with this life you have given me. Take those who are trying to destroy me out of my path and let me just run full speed at you and the plans you have for me. May you protect me from the enemy (mind, body and spirit). Would you be the only one i fix my eyes upon during these last few days. I have felt defeated at times and as if i have lost my way/direction in this journey. I know this has all been preparation for what is to come and would You give me a heart of understanding and to trust, with all my being, that you are in control. You know what i need. You can use me to do anything you want. Allow me to know that you have called me, and you desire me to do your work. You long to see me do great things and grow in my faith in wonderful ways. You see me.. even when no one else sees me. And you love me for where i am right now at this moment.. discouraged or not. You want me!! And with these 35 days left for me to be "comfy" may you be my desire, my heart, my soul, and my all. You alone, Jesus, are my hope and dream. Lets get out of this boat and walk on those waves. Amen.
Many parts of me long to stay in the USA longer. I dont want to leave certain relationships and things that i have on passions for here in the states. I want to stay comfortable with my surroundings. I do not want to face fears. I would like to stay "normal" in some senses.
Other parts of me just want to get on a plane tomorrow and get the heck out of here. Lets get to something new and unknown. Lets have a "new beginning". Let me do something crazy and learn great things in the process. I want to feel like i am being used for a great purpose and calling. I want to change this world.. and it starts with me leaving everything that i know.
At times i find myself being so torn. There are moments when i feel so used, discouraged, and trampled on and it makes me feel like the best option is to get out of here and move to something different until life settles down back home. And then there are moments when to leave brings tears to my eyes and hurts so much to imagine not sharing in the life of those who have invested in me for years.
God, may this be for you and not for me. I dont want to hang on to my selfish ways, rather just let me bless you with this life you have given me. Take those who are trying to destroy me out of my path and let me just run full speed at you and the plans you have for me. May you protect me from the enemy (mind, body and spirit). Would you be the only one i fix my eyes upon during these last few days. I have felt defeated at times and as if i have lost my way/direction in this journey. I know this has all been preparation for what is to come and would You give me a heart of understanding and to trust, with all my being, that you are in control. You know what i need. You can use me to do anything you want. Allow me to know that you have called me, and you desire me to do your work. You long to see me do great things and grow in my faith in wonderful ways. You see me.. even when no one else sees me. And you love me for where i am right now at this moment.. discouraged or not. You want me!! And with these 35 days left for me to be "comfy" may you be my desire, my heart, my soul, and my all. You alone, Jesus, are my hope and dream. Lets get out of this boat and walk on those waves. Amen.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Picture this Prep Time...
Take a look at this progress and the amazing people who have helped with my journey to Asia!
these are the peole who stepped in to help me build breakfast burritos:
these are the peole who stepped in to help me build breakfast burritos:
I was challenged to send Ellen an email asking if she would help me raise my funds.. so i did:
Much needed encouragement and details from Alli and Elise:
Said "goodbye" to Micheals Cantina to make time for more fundraising:
Selling "Alicia to Asia" bracelets as a fundraiser:
Garage Sale Fundraiser Total = $874!!! Yea!! we had some fun along the way with this one!
Breakfast Burrito Supplies:
Many coffee dates and engergy drinks have helped keep me going:
..along with a few margaritas:
And ALOT of Mexican food!! along with great times with Casey :)
I have had some crazy adventures:
Had to say some very difficult goodbyes:
And welcomed a few very precious new people into my life:
And thru it all God has allowed me to smile and learn how to be thankful for every step.
It has been a journey, to say the least. A journey that i wouldnt have any other way. God is teaching me so much already.. and im sure i will learn much much more!!!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
These Hard Times...
I have hidden my thoughts and feelings from many people during this past month to month and a half. I have been struggling to understand why the God of creation, who loves deeply, and has a tender heart towards His children.. would allow them to be so broken it hurts to even try to move.
I, along with my family, have lost some wonderful people in the past few months. People who lived greatly, and loved with all they had. People who loved nature and seeing things grow. People who longed for family time and wanted nothing more then share life with those around them.
My Grandpa left this earth on March 22, 2011. He was one of the greatest men i have ever had the honor of knowing... he gave the best, and i mean BEST hugs you could ever have. He loved his wife and kids. He would do anything for his grandkids and always had a twinkle in his eyes when he held his great grand babies for the first time. He was a farmer who worked for all he owned. He loved to play cards and he loved to win the card games. He told jokes and could always bring a room to smiles.. even on his final days. He fought so hard against the cancer.. but the cancer won. The last memory i have with my grandpa was going to see him a few weeks before he past.. and i told him i was going to Asia and i was going to work to tell people about Jesus. and with a soft voice that had been damaged over the years from many different health treatments, including radiation, he looked me in the eyes and said "I knew you would be amazing when you grew up. I couldnt be proud of you and cant wait to sit with Jesus and watch you do great things." He told me this as he held my hand so tightly and.. after those words he closed his eyes and fell back asleep.
I miss him so much. Almost everytime i think of him.. i cry. I hate knowing he is gone. He was such a great great man, and i dont know a people who could compair to how great Dale Bergman was in my life. He was such a fighter.. but knew he wanted to go to Jesus.
He was burried on a very cold and snowy day in March. I have yet to even go back to gave sight.. i know that seeing his name written on a stone is going to be so difficult to look at. I know i want to go, but i havent gotten the guts to just do it. God, i miss him so freaking much. I know he is not in pain anymore, and for the im so grateful.. but all i want is to hug him again. I just want to hold his hand one more time or have him pitch my side like he always did just to see me jump and laugh. He is the only Grandpa i have ever known.. and he is gone now.. and my heart breaks when i think of him not being here.
Joe and Dian were 2 people who loved to farm. They owned a farm in Wisconsin and knew their trade well. They had 3 wonderful, wonderful children. Dian was always one who was the leader of the pack at family events, if we needed more paper towels, she would tell the first person she bumped into to go and get more! she knew what she wanted/needed and knew just how to get it done. She was a quite person, i knew her my whole life and hardly ever talked to her about life or anything beyond "how are you?" but i know she was a lovely lady who loved her family deeply, and cared much for those in need. Joe was my mom oldest brother. He was identical to my grandpa when you looked at him. He too gave the best bear hugs in this world. He loved picking on people and showing them his love for them through his silly pranks. Many times he would invite people to come spend some time on the farm, and then would tell them all they would get to do all the jobs he didnt want to do, like cleaning up the cow poop, and milking the cows. You always knew when he called when a "yep...yep.. yep" would follow almost every comment you said. He loved, and i mean LOVED life. He did his job and did it well. He always wore a plaid botton up shirt and always kept a little note pad in the front pocket for "important info". He and Dian left such a void in many lives when they were killed on early morning in July 2, 2011. They went to visit life long friends for a conference in Minnesota. They were walks in at a Bed and Breakfast in New Ulm. That night.. a candle on the front porch of the building didnt get blown out.. and it caused a house fire. My Aunt Dian and Uncle Joe, along with their good friend Andy Uhing, and 3 others were killed that night as the building burnt down. I cant even tell you what news like that does to a family.. or a person. I still dont know how to process it. I dont like seeing fires anymore when i used to love camp fires.. now i just kind of stare at them and ask wonder how i could love something so dangerous.
The last time i saw Joe and Dian was at my Grandpa's funeral. I remember i looked at Joe from across the room and thought.. "thank God i can look at him and see Grandpa." and now.. i only have pictures of them both. I remember hugging him and when i had tears he comforted me and told me that we would get through this as a family. And Dian, she was doing the usual.. making sure everything was taken care of. She hardly sat down to chat with others. Before i left i did hug her and tell her i missed her and loved her and was so glad to have gotten to see her again.
They were taken from this world in such a tragic way.. and like i said i dont even have words to express the struggle i have had with it.
In the past few months.. i have almost stopped talking to God because im not sure what i am to say to him about all of this. This past week or so my ears were open to a song i have heard probably hundreds of times but i finally heard the words.
This really convays where my heart is right now. I need an answer and i need (want) a way out of this. I need faith to believe in these hard times...
Please pray for me as i am begining to really allow God into these places or hurt and brokeness. But also pray that i could be open, and vunerable with those closest to me and just let others know some of these areas as i prepare to go to Asia.
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